STD's review of Wynn's

Location: Wynn's Burgers & Ice Cream

Date: 10/19/10

Time: 12:15 pm to 1:15 pm

Attendees: Rage, Deuce, Pete

Price: About $8 for burger, fries, and a drink

Double Deuce: Our team headed out for another exploratory adventure into the realm of spreading herpes critical knowledge about food. We were on our way to McDougal’s, only to find the place crammed full. It kinda reminded me of Hefty’s face that time he ate meat wiz. So we decided to go next door to Wynn’s.

Hefty Pete: At first glance it seemed pretty good. They have about 15 different kinds of burgers. I got a firehouse burger (jalapenos, cheese, hotsauce) and a BBQ burger (onion straws, cheese, bbq sauce). All the prices were reasonable and they had a lot of variety.

Rage: They even had hot dogs in a bunch of varieties as well. I got a burger combo and they even gave me half fries and half onion straws. I thought I would only get a small portion of each but I received a pretty large amount.

Double Deuce: While Hefty was prowling over the menu, I was searching for a place to drop one, if need be. The place was pretty average – simple logo, only 3 small dudes behind the counter, one TV in the corner playing Dora the Explorer, and quite a few empty tables.

Hefty Pete: The burger was good and each burger had 2 patties on it. But the patties were tiny, like 3 oz each or less. This made my power belly sad.

Double Deuce: I ordered a slaw dog and a burger. I agree with Hefty on the size of the patties, and my dog was small, yo! Last week I had a shriveled up chimichanga, now I have a small hot diggity. The Mrs. will not be pleased with this at all.

Rage: Yes, you do have a small dog Deuce. I tend to agree. But really, these hamburgers’s pale in comparison to a Five Guys burger or a Chef Paul’s burger. And for the price I was starting to get a little red in the face.

Hefty Pete: They had ice cream and shakes, which is a nice option. But for an additional $4, my cheap ass wasn’t going to order one.

Rage: Your telling me

Double Deuce: Why in the who-heys does Dora keep talking real loud and repeating things over and over? I can’t focus on my food because she keeps yelling then pausing for an answer! The real question is why are we watching Dora in a burger joint?

Rage: (I can’t stand Dora)

Hefty Pete: For the same price, I would have preferred to go to 5 guys.

Double Deuce: You would prefer 5 guys……in bed.

Rage: See my 5 Guys comment above.

Hefty Pete: This place just seems average. I don’t have anything spectacularly good to say. I don’t have anything terrible to say. Based on the burgers and fries alone, this place is easily forgettable.

Double Deuce: Where are we again?

Rage: It explains why it has changed owners and names in the past year. Nothing too exciting and I want $3 back for the 2oz of meat I did not receive.

Hefty Pete: To get pleasantly full, I would have needed to eat 3 burgers, or 2 burgers and fries. Which would come out to like 15 damn dollars! I don’t have that kind of cash lying around.

Double Deuce: I, as well, am not very full. The speed of service was good, but the food was pretty simple and lacking of substance. Combine that with an empty restaurant, toons on tv, and an average atmosphere and it doesn’t do much for me. It seems like they are trying to be a step up from Steak and Shake, but didn’t quite make the step.

The bottom line: If you’re looking for a place to get both a burger and ice cream in one fell swoop, this is the place for you. If you’re going to get just a burger, I can easily name 10 other options to choose before this one. Wynn’s is neither good nor bad - just average. And sometimes average just doesn’t appeal to the growing population of STDs.

Only 2 power bellies for this place - just below average quantity for Hefty

3 steaming piles for Deuce - average atmosphere equals average poo

3 out of 5 exploding heads - Rage walks away from this one only huffing and puffing slightly

Red Alert!!!

Calling all STD followers, Alert, Alert! One of our internal covert operators, Papa Rugsby, was out an about this weekend and spotted an evil opponent wearing this shirt! It is essential that all reinforcements unite, track down, and spread the disease to this happy-go-lucky fellow!

STD's review of Cozymel's

Location: Cozymel’s

Date: 10/7/10

Time: 11:30 am to 2:00 pm

Attendees: Rage, Deuce, Pete, Bon Qui Qui, Earmuffs, Papa Rugsby, Mr. Bill, Fluffer

Price: Varied between $10.50 to $12.50 with tip and water

Double Deuce: Our adventure began when we searched for a good Mexican eatery to celebrate several co-workers’ birthdays. A cheap place like Las Palmas felt inadequate for such an occasion, so we decided to step it up a notch and hope for the best.

Hefty Pete: If by hope for the best, you mean find the worst, then I agree. This place blows.

Rage: Yeah I had a previous bad experience with this place and really really hoped that was a one time thing.

Double Deuce: First question: How long does it take to bring drinks to our table? Second question: If all the chips and salsa have been devoured and we still haven’t received our drinks, should this be a problem? Third question: Will Hefty’s chair support all the weight he’s been gaining, or do we need to hire a steel welder to add bracing, similar to the chairs designed for Hefty’s mom.

Hefty Pete: The chair will hold my weight. I’m more concerned about the rest of the furniture. Cause I haven’t seen our waiter in 15 minutes, and when he comes back I’m going to power slam him through the table. Seriously, there’s 7 of us, and 6 of us ordered water. It shouldn’t be taking this long; I only saw 2 other tables of people in the entire place. Meaning that each of the 3 waiters have 1 table to wait on. What are these assholes doing back in the kitchen?

Rage: Your mom…

Double Deuce: Oh no, the shizzle is about to hit the fan. The waiter just blew off Rage when he asked if we could to a different table on the patio. I just saw Rage give him the glare and I even think I saw steam come out his ears. Get down y’all!!

Rage: If that Mother%uc!e does one more bad thing I'm going to stab someone!!

Double Deuce: Holy schnikeys! It has been an hour since we left work and still no food at the table! I’m so pissed I may have to go to the bathroom and drop of two angry kids at the pool. Hefty is so hungry he’s gnawing on the table and licking Rage’s elbow. And Rage is still pissed at the waiter for moving our table.

Hefty Pete: Don’t bother going to the bathroom, just steam one out in the corner like a wild animal. Our waiter won’t be back with our food for 30 more minutes, you’ve got plenty of time.

Rage: Steam one in the corner… check.

Double Deuce: Ok, we finally have food, but my plate seems like it has been sitting under heat lamps for days. My chimichanga is dried out. I know that’s supposed to happen when I get older, but not now - what if I want to have more babies!!

Hefty Pete: This is a puny amount of food for $10. I’m gonna have to go back to the office and scrounge for something else to eat. GAH!!! This picture pretty much sums up what my plate looks like!!! The hunger fury has set in. Who suggested coming here?!?! I’ll punch him in the face……I suggested coming here? Fine, I’ll punch myself in the face!!

Rage: I just cannot believe that they have decency to do what they have done and not apologize and even act as if they are having a hard time because there are more than two people that he has to deal with.

Double Deuce: Let’s take a survey: Our waiter a) hates Rage b) is a douchebag c) is as slow as molasses d) wears whitey tighties e) likes the Jonas Brothers or f) all of the above

Hefty Pete: I’m gonna go with F. Yea, F him. I hate him. I hate this place. So hungry. Need food. Must calm down. Can’t calm down. So angry.

Rage: Big fat F. If this dude wants a tip, then I have one for him. Drop dead.

Double Deuce: It is now 6 pm and we are just now getting change from our check. Is anyone hungry for dinner? Should we just stay here and eat again – Survey says “Hell NO!!”

Rage: If you could give the waiter a negative tip, I would; and I would ask for more food… to go. I would pick it up 3 days later when it was ready.

The bottom line: Do not go here for any meal of any shape, form, or fashion. Don’t even walk near the place. After dueling with our waiter, waiting for hours, eating dried food, and paying more than 10 bucks for it, we have had enough. On a day when we went to celebrate birthdays, we left wishing we hadn’t been born.

R A T I N G S

Only 1 out of 5 guts for this place - Hefty left with an angry and empty cavernous belly

5 out of 5 exploding heads - Rage is pissed about paying double digits to his enemy waiter

5 out of steaming deuces - the snail pace service deserves the DD to drop em like it's hot

STD's review of Which Wich

Location: Which Wich

Date: 8/10/10

Time: 12:00 to 1:00

Attendees: Rage, Deuce, Pete

Price: Varied between $6.50 to $7.65 with water

Double Deuce: Today we were not sure wich place try for lunch, wich is usually never the case. At any rate, we ended up at Which Wich, wich turned out to be a pleasant experience.

Rage: Yeah, they were pretty packed but the line moved quickly. Wich is a good thing because we were hella hungry. I mean Heft was actually gnawing on his own arm when we were waiting on our food.

Hefty Pete: I was just warming up my jaw muscles, didn’t want to strain anything.

Double Deuce: Upon entering, everything is a little intimidating at first. There are bags on the wall, red markers, and colorful paint – almost thought I was back in my preschool art room. But after looking at the sandwich bags, wich lists the order of choosing your sandwich, it all started to make sense.

Rage: It is a pretty small space especially with no one sitting outside. Okay, well there was one or two people sitting outside (idiots) and they looked sad… I would if I was sitting in 102 degree temperature eating my lunch too.

Hefty Pete: I would be sad too if I had a face like yours, no matter what temperature it was outside.

Rage: The tables were pretty small too. We were sitting at a ‘4 seater’ and I put the quotes around that because it was a pretty intimate setting. If we all went to take a bite out of our sandwiches at the same time we almost made out together orgy style.

Hefty Pete: I was purposely leaning in every time you took a bite of your sandwich. Everyone loves a good game of gay-chicken. Really though, the tables were small, and damn high off the ground. If you have a fear of heights, I wouldn’t eat at this place.

Double Deuce: I was impressed with the variety of sandwich toppings you can choose to personalize your “wich”. They even had coleslaw, cheese wiz, and olive salad. Hefty was hoping they had meat salad, meat sauce, and meat wiz. I really wanted to get the cheese wiz, but I’m pretty certain it would cause explosive diarrhea.

Hefty Pete: I got the olive salad, it was nice to see some variety aside from the standard lettuce/tomato/pickle options at most places. They had enough toppings that I could probably get different things 4 or 5 times before I started repeating. Also, your mother loves the meat wiz!

Rage: I got ‘The Wicked’ wich is a 5-meat, 3-cheese sandwich with of course any topping you want, wich I got honey mustard and ranch mixed in mine. Kind of sounds gross, but it was actually pretty good. Heft, what did you get again?

Hefty Pete: I got the wicked also. I got extra meat on mine, witch was $1 more. Next time though, I’ll be getting double meat, witch is $2 more. I like having the choice. Plus, with the anonymous bag system, I can add extra meat, bacon, and double meat to mine and none of my dining companions will know. This helps protect my sensitive feelings, as people won’t have a reason to call me a fat ass.

Double Deuce: After you order, it is good practice to write something on the back of your sandwich bag. This way you can keep track of your bag when they hang it up to make the orders. Can you guys tell from the photo wich bag is mine?

Hefty Pete: I wasn’t really worried about keeping track of my bag. Cause when I went up there, I grabbed my sandwich plus 2 other random sandwiches. Sucks for them. Side note, the guy in the picture with the blurry face….that’s what happened when the STD bag touched his head.

Double Deuce: They even had a wall where you can hang sandwich bags with drawings or notes written on them after your meal. I quickly took advantage of this situation by posting a bag that read www.stdining.blogspot.com, wich is my glorious attempt to spread STD one place at a time. One of the workers saw my bag, quickly realized that I was a high level restaurant connoisseur, and came over to our table to pamper me.

Rage: We love spreading the STD around.

Hefty Pete: She came over to the table to check your pampers, cause you always smell like you just shit in your pants.

Double Deuce: Shut it Hefty! Not everyone has a cavernous belly to store an abundance of meat – sometimes I have to do what a call a “poo purge in my pampers”. Anywho, back to the review - the price was very reasonable. For a good sized, personalized sandwich and chips, I was happy to pay $7.65. Rage, didn’t you get a free soda with your meal?

Rage: I don’ want to talk about it. I mean I might get arrested for something like that. I guess I can confess. Yeah, so I got a little sprits of sprite instead of water on my third turn to the coke machine. I mean Jesus, they give you this little freakin’ cup enough for three sips of water and you keep having to go back to the machine to get more of it. I just got fed up and said hey a little free sprite won’t kill them. They pretty much get that soda for pennies and charge a left testicle for a drink. It just chaps my ass. That’s all I have to say about that (not really, I could go on)

Hefty Pete: It’s not so much that you got sprite on your third trip up. It’s that on the first trip you had coke, and on the second trip you had root beer. That’s like $12 worth of soda, witch is a lot.

The bottom line: For a sandwich place, we were impressed with the variety of toppings and price. It was an enjoyable change of pace from the typical “stand in front of a sneeze guard and list your toppings” sub joint. The next time we don’t know wich place to go, Which Wich will be on STD’s list.

STD's review of Chef Paul's

Location: Chef Paul’s

Date: 8/4/10

Time: 11:30 to 1:00

Attendees: Rage, Deuce, Pete, Lissa, Jessica, Papa Rugsby, Chip

Price: Varied between $8 to $10 with water and a $1 tip

Rage: So, this place might not be at the top of everyone’s ‘Let’s go there’ list. Hell most people have not heard of this place. Well, all of you are missing out! This place is located off of Mallory in the same building as the Cheeseburger Charlie’s and Blue Coast Burrito. One might think from the prices we gave above that it is not worth it, but trust us it is. Well, I can only speak of the burgers there. I honestly have not eaten any other type foods there. They look great from afar.

Double Deuce: Agreed, this place was a great find. I was unsure what to expect when I first saw the place – heck even when you say the name of it real fast “Chef Paul’s, Chef Paul’s, Chef Paul’s”, it kind of sounds like “Chef Balls”, which isn’t very appetizing. Yet I was pleasantly surprised, by the food of course.

Hefty Pete: I love eating at Chef Ball’s. Only the burgers though, the other stuff seems like it might be a ripoff. Like the catfish lunch. $7 for 2 sides and ONE piece of catfish. That’s right ONE piece of fish. How about instead, you take my wallet and punch me in my chef balls. Seems like a similar deal.

Rage: Oh, oh I am up for that giving that special to you as well.

Double Deuce: Did anyone else find Chef Balls really awkward when he was trying to count our party and find us a seat?

Hefty Pete: I don’t think Chef Ball knows how to count. His burger cooking is well done (damn straight it’s a pun), but his counting not so much.

Rage: These burgers are incredible. I almost always get the pimento cheeseburger. It might sound odd, but it is a must try! They put bacon on it as well, which is just a perk to a great burger! Don’t worry about the size of it either. Chef Paul himself made a bet with Papa Rugsby and Lissa that they would not be able to finish their burgers… and he won.

Hefty Pete: Yea, but Papa Rugsby isn’t 250lbs of beefcake like I am. I ate what was left of her burger after devouring my own pimento cheese burger……I also ate some food off of the table next to us when they went to the bathroom.

Double Deuce: I’m going to go ahead and say it fellas, just to put it out there – “The best burger in the Franklin/Cool Springs area”. Maybe Some day they will have a plaque on their wall that says “Voted Best Burger by Double Deuce”. Once again, sounds appetizing.

Hefty Pete: I don’t know, Deuce Face. It’s a damn good burger, but not the best. I’d say on par with a 5 guys triple with cheese. But a little bit below the 5 guys quad with cheese.

Rage: I too am a little leery to say something like that, but I will point out that your mom is the “The largest mother in the Nashville area”.

Rage: Speaking of Chef Paul. Isn’t there some history with him and you guys, Pete and Deuce? Do tell.

Double Deuce: Yes, me, Hefty, and Chef Balls go way back. We met him at his former restaurant in Maryland Farms. Can’t remember the name of the place, but it should have been called “comeback sauce” cause that is all Chef Balls could talk about. Hefty loves the comeback sauce so much that he moisturizes his face with it every night.

Hefty Pete: It’s kind of on the corner of Franklin and Church Street. Used to be a Chinese Restaurant I think. I’ll never get the taste of the Comeback sauce out of my mouth. Good or Bad? You decide.

Rage: I think the comeback sauce is basically a southwestern ranch just in case anyone was wondering.

Rage: The wait staff was awesome too. Our waitress asked about dessert and since it was my birthday I decided I wanted something. Lissa mentioned it was my birthday to her and pointed back at me and said ‘that Goober’. She replied with ‘Which one?’ pointing back at me and Deuce. Haha… whatever.

Double Deuce: Uhm, you don’t want to know what they put in that ‘free’ cake. I think it has something to do with comeback sauce.

Hefty Pete: I pooped in the cake. Not really though. But seriously, I pooped in the cake.

Rage: Is that what that taste was? No, I know what poop tastes like… wait a minute, nevermind… I gotta go.

Double Deuce: Overall, this place is definitely one to revisit. Not every day, like Hefty’s mom would, but every few weeks or so. Chef Balls is somewhat of an awkward fellow, but he sure does know how to make a good burger!

STD's review of Canton Buffet

Location: Canton Buffet

Date: 7/29/10

Time: 11:15 to 12:15

Attendees: Rage, Deuce, Pete, Neal, Lissa, Bill, Byron, Jim

Price: $8.60 with water and a $1 tip

Hefty Pete: Dude, $6.95 is a hella good deal. With water and a tip mine came out to $8.60.

Double Deuce: Yeah, $6.95 is a good deal, but not if it makes you drop a horrendous deuce in the afternoon. We’ll have to see how this one plays out during the remainder of the day.

Rage: Speaking of deuce. My stomach is killing me. But that might not be from the lunch… Yeah it is a pretty good deal. There was a real good variety of a lot of different Chinese food and some extras in there. Like the rolls lathered with butter, which were yummy, but I did get a ‘that is something I have never seen someone get at a Chinese buffet’ comment. No matter, it was taaaasty.

Hefty Pete: The general tso’s was actually a little bit spicy. Some places it just tastes like ketchup.

Double Deuce: By spicy do you mean “filled with bones”. The one turn-off for me during the meal was seeing Hefty Pete’s mom walk in, er I mean, biting down on a piece of the general’s chicken that had a bone in it. I don’t know who General Tso is, but I have a bone to pick with him.

Rage: I too had an experience with bones and actually a nice chunk of fatty meat with the General Tso’s, but the taste almost beat out those two unfortunate occurrences.

Hefty Pete: Sushi was subpar, but I didn’t vomit.

Double Deuce: Sushi + buffet = MEGA FAIL. I’m not touching that with a 10 foot chop stick.

Rage: Yeah not so sure about the sushi, but it looked presentable… well once you found that they had it. It was stuck in the back corner.

Hefty Pete: I managed to eat at least as much meat as I did with the 5 guys quad burger.

Double Deuce: Yeah Hefty Pete, you do like meat in your mouth

Rage: I second that one. Meat lover.

Hefty Pete: At one point, I had more meat in my mouth than Deuces mom on “buy one get 7 free” happy ending day.

Double Deuce: Hey don’t talk about my mom that way! She has to work hard for the money – cue the music anyone???

Rage: ‘So you better treat her right…’ [cough] anyways, yes your mom is a whore, but that has nothing to do with the food unless we count the fact that she eats as much as there was on the buffet in one sitting, and trust me there was a lot.

Hefty Pete: We’ve been back for an hour, and I have yet to shit my pants, which is nice.

Double Deuce: I think I’m right there with you Hefty, I haven’t had any feelings of….oh aw no…wait a minute…..Oh no…It’s Doo Doo Baby!

Rage: Yeah see my comment above. Stomach is still rumbling. Uh… uh…. ahhh.

Hefty Pete: Did you try the chicken wings?

Rage: No chicken wings for me. Neal had some and said they were tasty but very spicy. He was pretty sure it was teriyaki flavored. He and Bill devoured a bunch of them. Kind of like how Grant’s mom devours portions of buildings in a single bite.

Hefty Pete: The jello looked kind of questionable. Who eats jello for lunch anyway?

Rage: Hey now, I looooved the jello. It was a nice desert. Don’t knock it.

Hefty Pete: Didn’t bother with the ice cream, maybe next time.

Double Deuce: I have to say I didn’t try many of the varieties of food as I was entranced by the lighted photo board of a water fall that was actually moving!

Rage: Yeah, I wanted to get some ice cream with a to-go box but I knew you guys would judge me, so I decided to not get any.

Hefty Pete: Apparently Rage was born in the year of the cock. Maybe the year of the tiny cock!! BURN!

Double Deuce: Sick burn! Does anyone smell that stench from the bathroom? It appears the food may have run straight through someone.

Rage: That is right I was born in the year of the cock. When were you born? The year of the monkey?

Hefty Pete: No, I was born in the year of “Power”. And by power, I mean, your mother is a whore.