STD's review of Cozymel's

Location: Cozymel’s

Date: 10/7/10

Time: 11:30 am to 2:00 pm

Attendees: Rage, Deuce, Pete, Bon Qui Qui, Earmuffs, Papa Rugsby, Mr. Bill, Fluffer

Price: Varied between $10.50 to $12.50 with tip and water

Double Deuce: Our adventure began when we searched for a good Mexican eatery to celebrate several co-workers’ birthdays. A cheap place like Las Palmas felt inadequate for such an occasion, so we decided to step it up a notch and hope for the best.

Hefty Pete: If by hope for the best, you mean find the worst, then I agree. This place blows.

Rage: Yeah I had a previous bad experience with this place and really really hoped that was a one time thing.

Double Deuce: First question: How long does it take to bring drinks to our table? Second question: If all the chips and salsa have been devoured and we still haven’t received our drinks, should this be a problem? Third question: Will Hefty’s chair support all the weight he’s been gaining, or do we need to hire a steel welder to add bracing, similar to the chairs designed for Hefty’s mom.

Hefty Pete: The chair will hold my weight. I’m more concerned about the rest of the furniture. Cause I haven’t seen our waiter in 15 minutes, and when he comes back I’m going to power slam him through the table. Seriously, there’s 7 of us, and 6 of us ordered water. It shouldn’t be taking this long; I only saw 2 other tables of people in the entire place. Meaning that each of the 3 waiters have 1 table to wait on. What are these assholes doing back in the kitchen?

Rage: Your mom…

Double Deuce: Oh no, the shizzle is about to hit the fan. The waiter just blew off Rage when he asked if we could to a different table on the patio. I just saw Rage give him the glare and I even think I saw steam come out his ears. Get down y’all!!

Rage: If that Mother%uc!e does one more bad thing I'm going to stab someone!!

Double Deuce: Holy schnikeys! It has been an hour since we left work and still no food at the table! I’m so pissed I may have to go to the bathroom and drop of two angry kids at the pool. Hefty is so hungry he’s gnawing on the table and licking Rage’s elbow. And Rage is still pissed at the waiter for moving our table.

Hefty Pete: Don’t bother going to the bathroom, just steam one out in the corner like a wild animal. Our waiter won’t be back with our food for 30 more minutes, you’ve got plenty of time.

Rage: Steam one in the corner… check.

Double Deuce: Ok, we finally have food, but my plate seems like it has been sitting under heat lamps for days. My chimichanga is dried out. I know that’s supposed to happen when I get older, but not now - what if I want to have more babies!!

Hefty Pete: This is a puny amount of food for $10. I’m gonna have to go back to the office and scrounge for something else to eat. GAH!!! This picture pretty much sums up what my plate looks like!!! The hunger fury has set in. Who suggested coming here?!?! I’ll punch him in the face……I suggested coming here? Fine, I’ll punch myself in the face!!

Rage: I just cannot believe that they have decency to do what they have done and not apologize and even act as if they are having a hard time because there are more than two people that he has to deal with.

Double Deuce: Let’s take a survey: Our waiter a) hates Rage b) is a douchebag c) is as slow as molasses d) wears whitey tighties e) likes the Jonas Brothers or f) all of the above

Hefty Pete: I’m gonna go with F. Yea, F him. I hate him. I hate this place. So hungry. Need food. Must calm down. Can’t calm down. So angry.

Rage: Big fat F. If this dude wants a tip, then I have one for him. Drop dead.

Double Deuce: It is now 6 pm and we are just now getting change from our check. Is anyone hungry for dinner? Should we just stay here and eat again – Survey says “Hell NO!!”

Rage: If you could give the waiter a negative tip, I would; and I would ask for more food… to go. I would pick it up 3 days later when it was ready.

The bottom line: Do not go here for any meal of any shape, form, or fashion. Don’t even walk near the place. After dueling with our waiter, waiting for hours, eating dried food, and paying more than 10 bucks for it, we have had enough. On a day when we went to celebrate birthdays, we left wishing we hadn’t been born.

R A T I N G S

Only 1 out of 5 guts for this place - Hefty left with an angry and empty cavernous belly

5 out of 5 exploding heads - Rage is pissed about paying double digits to his enemy waiter

5 out of steaming deuces - the snail pace service deserves the DD to drop em like it's hot