STD's review of Cozymel's

Location: Cozymel’s

Date: 10/7/10

Time: 11:30 am to 2:00 pm

Attendees: Rage, Deuce, Pete, Bon Qui Qui, Earmuffs, Papa Rugsby, Mr. Bill, Fluffer

Price: Varied between $10.50 to $12.50 with tip and water

Double Deuce: Our adventure began when we searched for a good Mexican eatery to celebrate several co-workers’ birthdays. A cheap place like Las Palmas felt inadequate for such an occasion, so we decided to step it up a notch and hope for the best.

Hefty Pete: If by hope for the best, you mean find the worst, then I agree. This place blows.

Rage: Yeah I had a previous bad experience with this place and really really hoped that was a one time thing.

Double Deuce: First question: How long does it take to bring drinks to our table? Second question: If all the chips and salsa have been devoured and we still haven’t received our drinks, should this be a problem? Third question: Will Hefty’s chair support all the weight he’s been gaining, or do we need to hire a steel welder to add bracing, similar to the chairs designed for Hefty’s mom.

Hefty Pete: The chair will hold my weight. I’m more concerned about the rest of the furniture. Cause I haven’t seen our waiter in 15 minutes, and when he comes back I’m going to power slam him through the table. Seriously, there’s 7 of us, and 6 of us ordered water. It shouldn’t be taking this long; I only saw 2 other tables of people in the entire place. Meaning that each of the 3 waiters have 1 table to wait on. What are these assholes doing back in the kitchen?

Rage: Your mom…

Double Deuce: Oh no, the shizzle is about to hit the fan. The waiter just blew off Rage when he asked if we could to a different table on the patio. I just saw Rage give him the glare and I even think I saw steam come out his ears. Get down y’all!!

Rage: If that Mother%uc!e does one more bad thing I'm going to stab someone!!

Double Deuce: Holy schnikeys! It has been an hour since we left work and still no food at the table! I’m so pissed I may have to go to the bathroom and drop of two angry kids at the pool. Hefty is so hungry he’s gnawing on the table and licking Rage’s elbow. And Rage is still pissed at the waiter for moving our table.

Hefty Pete: Don’t bother going to the bathroom, just steam one out in the corner like a wild animal. Our waiter won’t be back with our food for 30 more minutes, you’ve got plenty of time.

Rage: Steam one in the corner… check.

Double Deuce: Ok, we finally have food, but my plate seems like it has been sitting under heat lamps for days. My chimichanga is dried out. I know that’s supposed to happen when I get older, but not now - what if I want to have more babies!!

Hefty Pete: This is a puny amount of food for $10. I’m gonna have to go back to the office and scrounge for something else to eat. GAH!!! This picture pretty much sums up what my plate looks like!!! The hunger fury has set in. Who suggested coming here?!?! I’ll punch him in the face……I suggested coming here? Fine, I’ll punch myself in the face!!

Rage: I just cannot believe that they have decency to do what they have done and not apologize and even act as if they are having a hard time because there are more than two people that he has to deal with.

Double Deuce: Let’s take a survey: Our waiter a) hates Rage b) is a douchebag c) is as slow as molasses d) wears whitey tighties e) likes the Jonas Brothers or f) all of the above

Hefty Pete: I’m gonna go with F. Yea, F him. I hate him. I hate this place. So hungry. Need food. Must calm down. Can’t calm down. So angry.

Rage: Big fat F. If this dude wants a tip, then I have one for him. Drop dead.

Double Deuce: It is now 6 pm and we are just now getting change from our check. Is anyone hungry for dinner? Should we just stay here and eat again – Survey says “Hell NO!!”

Rage: If you could give the waiter a negative tip, I would; and I would ask for more food… to go. I would pick it up 3 days later when it was ready.

The bottom line: Do not go here for any meal of any shape, form, or fashion. Don’t even walk near the place. After dueling with our waiter, waiting for hours, eating dried food, and paying more than 10 bucks for it, we have had enough. On a day when we went to celebrate birthdays, we left wishing we hadn’t been born.

R A T I N G S

Only 1 out of 5 guts for this place - Hefty left with an angry and empty cavernous belly

5 out of 5 exploding heads - Rage is pissed about paying double digits to his enemy waiter

5 out of steaming deuces - the snail pace service deserves the DD to drop em like it's hot

STD's review of Canton Buffet

Location: Canton Buffet

Date: 7/29/10

Time: 11:15 to 12:15

Attendees: Rage, Deuce, Pete, Neal, Lissa, Bill, Byron, Jim

Price: $8.60 with water and a $1 tip

Hefty Pete: Dude, $6.95 is a hella good deal. With water and a tip mine came out to $8.60.

Double Deuce: Yeah, $6.95 is a good deal, but not if it makes you drop a horrendous deuce in the afternoon. We’ll have to see how this one plays out during the remainder of the day.

Rage: Speaking of deuce. My stomach is killing me. But that might not be from the lunch… Yeah it is a pretty good deal. There was a real good variety of a lot of different Chinese food and some extras in there. Like the rolls lathered with butter, which were yummy, but I did get a ‘that is something I have never seen someone get at a Chinese buffet’ comment. No matter, it was taaaasty.

Hefty Pete: The general tso’s was actually a little bit spicy. Some places it just tastes like ketchup.

Double Deuce: By spicy do you mean “filled with bones”. The one turn-off for me during the meal was seeing Hefty Pete’s mom walk in, er I mean, biting down on a piece of the general’s chicken that had a bone in it. I don’t know who General Tso is, but I have a bone to pick with him.

Rage: I too had an experience with bones and actually a nice chunk of fatty meat with the General Tso’s, but the taste almost beat out those two unfortunate occurrences.

Hefty Pete: Sushi was subpar, but I didn’t vomit.

Double Deuce: Sushi + buffet = MEGA FAIL. I’m not touching that with a 10 foot chop stick.

Rage: Yeah not so sure about the sushi, but it looked presentable… well once you found that they had it. It was stuck in the back corner.

Hefty Pete: I managed to eat at least as much meat as I did with the 5 guys quad burger.

Double Deuce: Yeah Hefty Pete, you do like meat in your mouth

Rage: I second that one. Meat lover.

Hefty Pete: At one point, I had more meat in my mouth than Deuces mom on “buy one get 7 free” happy ending day.

Double Deuce: Hey don’t talk about my mom that way! She has to work hard for the money – cue the music anyone???

Rage: ‘So you better treat her right…’ [cough] anyways, yes your mom is a whore, but that has nothing to do with the food unless we count the fact that she eats as much as there was on the buffet in one sitting, and trust me there was a lot.

Hefty Pete: We’ve been back for an hour, and I have yet to shit my pants, which is nice.

Double Deuce: I think I’m right there with you Hefty, I haven’t had any feelings of….oh aw no…wait a minute…..Oh no…It’s Doo Doo Baby!

Rage: Yeah see my comment above. Stomach is still rumbling. Uh… uh…. ahhh.

Hefty Pete: Did you try the chicken wings?

Rage: No chicken wings for me. Neal had some and said they were tasty but very spicy. He was pretty sure it was teriyaki flavored. He and Bill devoured a bunch of them. Kind of like how Grant’s mom devours portions of buildings in a single bite.

Hefty Pete: The jello looked kind of questionable. Who eats jello for lunch anyway?

Rage: Hey now, I looooved the jello. It was a nice desert. Don’t knock it.

Hefty Pete: Didn’t bother with the ice cream, maybe next time.

Double Deuce: I have to say I didn’t try many of the varieties of food as I was entranced by the lighted photo board of a water fall that was actually moving!

Rage: Yeah, I wanted to get some ice cream with a to-go box but I knew you guys would judge me, so I decided to not get any.

Hefty Pete: Apparently Rage was born in the year of the cock. Maybe the year of the tiny cock!! BURN!

Double Deuce: Sick burn! Does anyone smell that stench from the bathroom? It appears the food may have run straight through someone.

Rage: That is right I was born in the year of the cock. When were you born? The year of the monkey?

Hefty Pete: No, I was born in the year of “Power”. And by power, I mean, your mother is a whore.