STD's review of Cozymel's

Location: Cozymel’s

Date: 10/7/10

Time: 11:30 am to 2:00 pm

Attendees: Rage, Deuce, Pete, Bon Qui Qui, Earmuffs, Papa Rugsby, Mr. Bill, Fluffer

Price: Varied between $10.50 to $12.50 with tip and water

Double Deuce: Our adventure began when we searched for a good Mexican eatery to celebrate several co-workers’ birthdays. A cheap place like Las Palmas felt inadequate for such an occasion, so we decided to step it up a notch and hope for the best.

Hefty Pete: If by hope for the best, you mean find the worst, then I agree. This place blows.

Rage: Yeah I had a previous bad experience with this place and really really hoped that was a one time thing.

Double Deuce: First question: How long does it take to bring drinks to our table? Second question: If all the chips and salsa have been devoured and we still haven’t received our drinks, should this be a problem? Third question: Will Hefty’s chair support all the weight he’s been gaining, or do we need to hire a steel welder to add bracing, similar to the chairs designed for Hefty’s mom.

Hefty Pete: The chair will hold my weight. I’m more concerned about the rest of the furniture. Cause I haven’t seen our waiter in 15 minutes, and when he comes back I’m going to power slam him through the table. Seriously, there’s 7 of us, and 6 of us ordered water. It shouldn’t be taking this long; I only saw 2 other tables of people in the entire place. Meaning that each of the 3 waiters have 1 table to wait on. What are these assholes doing back in the kitchen?

Rage: Your mom…

Double Deuce: Oh no, the shizzle is about to hit the fan. The waiter just blew off Rage when he asked if we could to a different table on the patio. I just saw Rage give him the glare and I even think I saw steam come out his ears. Get down y’all!!

Rage: If that Mother%uc!e does one more bad thing I'm going to stab someone!!

Double Deuce: Holy schnikeys! It has been an hour since we left work and still no food at the table! I’m so pissed I may have to go to the bathroom and drop of two angry kids at the pool. Hefty is so hungry he’s gnawing on the table and licking Rage’s elbow. And Rage is still pissed at the waiter for moving our table.

Hefty Pete: Don’t bother going to the bathroom, just steam one out in the corner like a wild animal. Our waiter won’t be back with our food for 30 more minutes, you’ve got plenty of time.

Rage: Steam one in the corner… check.

Double Deuce: Ok, we finally have food, but my plate seems like it has been sitting under heat lamps for days. My chimichanga is dried out. I know that’s supposed to happen when I get older, but not now - what if I want to have more babies!!

Hefty Pete: This is a puny amount of food for $10. I’m gonna have to go back to the office and scrounge for something else to eat. GAH!!! This picture pretty much sums up what my plate looks like!!! The hunger fury has set in. Who suggested coming here?!?! I’ll punch him in the face……I suggested coming here? Fine, I’ll punch myself in the face!!

Rage: I just cannot believe that they have decency to do what they have done and not apologize and even act as if they are having a hard time because there are more than two people that he has to deal with.

Double Deuce: Let’s take a survey: Our waiter a) hates Rage b) is a douchebag c) is as slow as molasses d) wears whitey tighties e) likes the Jonas Brothers or f) all of the above

Hefty Pete: I’m gonna go with F. Yea, F him. I hate him. I hate this place. So hungry. Need food. Must calm down. Can’t calm down. So angry.

Rage: Big fat F. If this dude wants a tip, then I have one for him. Drop dead.

Double Deuce: It is now 6 pm and we are just now getting change from our check. Is anyone hungry for dinner? Should we just stay here and eat again – Survey says “Hell NO!!”

Rage: If you could give the waiter a negative tip, I would; and I would ask for more food… to go. I would pick it up 3 days later when it was ready.

The bottom line: Do not go here for any meal of any shape, form, or fashion. Don’t even walk near the place. After dueling with our waiter, waiting for hours, eating dried food, and paying more than 10 bucks for it, we have had enough. On a day when we went to celebrate birthdays, we left wishing we hadn’t been born.

R A T I N G S

Only 1 out of 5 guts for this place - Hefty left with an angry and empty cavernous belly

5 out of 5 exploding heads - Rage is pissed about paying double digits to his enemy waiter

5 out of steaming deuces - the snail pace service deserves the DD to drop em like it's hot

STD's review of Which Wich

Location: Which Wich

Date: 8/10/10

Time: 12:00 to 1:00

Attendees: Rage, Deuce, Pete

Price: Varied between $6.50 to $7.65 with water

Double Deuce: Today we were not sure wich place try for lunch, wich is usually never the case. At any rate, we ended up at Which Wich, wich turned out to be a pleasant experience.

Rage: Yeah, they were pretty packed but the line moved quickly. Wich is a good thing because we were hella hungry. I mean Heft was actually gnawing on his own arm when we were waiting on our food.

Hefty Pete: I was just warming up my jaw muscles, didn’t want to strain anything.

Double Deuce: Upon entering, everything is a little intimidating at first. There are bags on the wall, red markers, and colorful paint – almost thought I was back in my preschool art room. But after looking at the sandwich bags, wich lists the order of choosing your sandwich, it all started to make sense.

Rage: It is a pretty small space especially with no one sitting outside. Okay, well there was one or two people sitting outside (idiots) and they looked sad… I would if I was sitting in 102 degree temperature eating my lunch too.

Hefty Pete: I would be sad too if I had a face like yours, no matter what temperature it was outside.

Rage: The tables were pretty small too. We were sitting at a ‘4 seater’ and I put the quotes around that because it was a pretty intimate setting. If we all went to take a bite out of our sandwiches at the same time we almost made out together orgy style.

Hefty Pete: I was purposely leaning in every time you took a bite of your sandwich. Everyone loves a good game of gay-chicken. Really though, the tables were small, and damn high off the ground. If you have a fear of heights, I wouldn’t eat at this place.

Double Deuce: I was impressed with the variety of sandwich toppings you can choose to personalize your “wich”. They even had coleslaw, cheese wiz, and olive salad. Hefty was hoping they had meat salad, meat sauce, and meat wiz. I really wanted to get the cheese wiz, but I’m pretty certain it would cause explosive diarrhea.

Hefty Pete: I got the olive salad, it was nice to see some variety aside from the standard lettuce/tomato/pickle options at most places. They had enough toppings that I could probably get different things 4 or 5 times before I started repeating. Also, your mother loves the meat wiz!

Rage: I got ‘The Wicked’ wich is a 5-meat, 3-cheese sandwich with of course any topping you want, wich I got honey mustard and ranch mixed in mine. Kind of sounds gross, but it was actually pretty good. Heft, what did you get again?

Hefty Pete: I got the wicked also. I got extra meat on mine, witch was $1 more. Next time though, I’ll be getting double meat, witch is $2 more. I like having the choice. Plus, with the anonymous bag system, I can add extra meat, bacon, and double meat to mine and none of my dining companions will know. This helps protect my sensitive feelings, as people won’t have a reason to call me a fat ass.

Double Deuce: After you order, it is good practice to write something on the back of your sandwich bag. This way you can keep track of your bag when they hang it up to make the orders. Can you guys tell from the photo wich bag is mine?

Hefty Pete: I wasn’t really worried about keeping track of my bag. Cause when I went up there, I grabbed my sandwich plus 2 other random sandwiches. Sucks for them. Side note, the guy in the picture with the blurry face….that’s what happened when the STD bag touched his head.

Double Deuce: They even had a wall where you can hang sandwich bags with drawings or notes written on them after your meal. I quickly took advantage of this situation by posting a bag that read www.stdining.blogspot.com, wich is my glorious attempt to spread STD one place at a time. One of the workers saw my bag, quickly realized that I was a high level restaurant connoisseur, and came over to our table to pamper me.

Rage: We love spreading the STD around.

Hefty Pete: She came over to the table to check your pampers, cause you always smell like you just shit in your pants.

Double Deuce: Shut it Hefty! Not everyone has a cavernous belly to store an abundance of meat – sometimes I have to do what a call a “poo purge in my pampers”. Anywho, back to the review - the price was very reasonable. For a good sized, personalized sandwich and chips, I was happy to pay $7.65. Rage, didn’t you get a free soda with your meal?

Rage: I don’ want to talk about it. I mean I might get arrested for something like that. I guess I can confess. Yeah, so I got a little sprits of sprite instead of water on my third turn to the coke machine. I mean Jesus, they give you this little freakin’ cup enough for three sips of water and you keep having to go back to the machine to get more of it. I just got fed up and said hey a little free sprite won’t kill them. They pretty much get that soda for pennies and charge a left testicle for a drink. It just chaps my ass. That’s all I have to say about that (not really, I could go on)

Hefty Pete: It’s not so much that you got sprite on your third trip up. It’s that on the first trip you had coke, and on the second trip you had root beer. That’s like $12 worth of soda, witch is a lot.

The bottom line: For a sandwich place, we were impressed with the variety of toppings and price. It was an enjoyable change of pace from the typical “stand in front of a sneeze guard and list your toppings” sub joint. The next time we don’t know wich place to go, Which Wich will be on STD’s list.